"Why Are You Guys Even Friends?"

by Jim Sowatzke

"But if you're not trying to sleep with her, why are you guys even friends?" 

 

That's an honest question. Idiotic, but honest nonetheless. It's a question that I have been asked a number of times, about a number of women. It both bewilders and saddens me. This question is of course, always asked by men. 

 

ROUND ONE:

"So you and that singer friend of yours are going to LA for the weekend, huh? So you guys are gonna, you know..." 

 

"No. What?" 

 

"C'mon man, you guys are staying in the same room, right? You guys are gonna be drinking, having a good time, one thing leads to another..."

 

"No. Not at all. We're friends."

 

"Dude, why would you be friends with a chick that hot and not be trying to fuck her?!"

 

"Umm, because friendship."

 

**stares blankly**

 

I can see the disconnect in their eyes. They legitimately can't see the logic in being friends with a woman with no… ulterior motive. It's like I'm all of the sudden speaking Latin to them. 

 

ROUND TWO:

"That beautiful chick in the high rise, you two hang out a lot; how's that going?"

 

"Umm, good? I can see her house from my house, so it's real easy for us to have dinner and hang out and what not." 

 

"Wait, so she invites you to her house, cooks, and you guys just what, watch tv and talk? Bro, you need to hit that!" 

 

"It's not like that at all. She's like a sister-" 

 

"Sister?? Get the fuck outta here. You need to get her naked next time you go over there. If she's not down, you need to quit wasting your time-" 

 

…Quit…wasting… your time...

 

So many guys I know regularly forego meaningful friendships with half the population simply because they can't stop thinking with their dick. That, my friends, is some of the silliest shit I've ever seen. Don't get me wrong, of course it isn't all guys. But god damn is it a lot of them. And a lot of times, some really good ones. Please don't get me confused, I'm not here to be some kind of white knight and belittle men for having this mindset. Rather, I implore them try and change it, for a number of reasons. 

 

When a woman truly believes you're not trying to “go there”, a few things happen. First, once you're really in that inner circle, you realize how weird, gross, and crazy they truly are. Ladies, you know I'm telling the truth. That being said, it's all fucking amazing and hilarious in ways that are unexplainable. The shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when her guard is down would make George Carlin blush.

 

Second, you realize that no one has your back like a good female friend. Work isn't going well? They'll actually listen, and offer sage advice. Having girl problems? They know how women think; they're code breakers. Someone does you wrong? They know the best spot in the desert to dig a hole. Have you ever seen 'Friends', and Joey has all of those protective sisters? It's like that, except scarier because they've all been watching crime dramas on tv for the past 10 years. They'll get away with it. 

 

Chris Rock has a great bit where he talks about men and women, and raises the point, "Every guy that a girl has met since she was 15 has been trying to fuck her. Every time a guy does something nice, he's just offering some dick-" There is sadly, a great deal of truth to that. Any woman reading this knows that to be the case. But the truth of the matter is, and I hate that I even have to say this; it doesn't have to be that way. It shouldn't be that way.

 

One of my routine deflection comments to guys when they ask me about my female friends is, "So best case scenario, we what, have sloppy drunken sex a few times, and then it all goes to shit and I lose that person from my life forever?" No thanks." I'll trade a fling for a lifelong friendship every day of the week and twice on Sunday. 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, as a man who will have a row of groomsmen in beautiful dresses at my wedding, take it from me: If you've never been dragged into a bathroom by a woman because the conversation just couldn't stop for a pee break, you my friend are missing out.