Moments In Mommyhood

by Jacqueline Walker

 

I have 15 minutes until the asparagus are done and Daniel Tiger is over. With one kid in a pack’n’play, and one kid not making the other kid cry, I’m taking advantage of every minute... even if sometimes all you get is 15 seconds. 15 seconds To breathe, to gather your tears, your anger, and your crazy and pull yourself out of this sometimes-overwhelming thing called “motherhood”. 

Sure, sounds pretty proper right? Motherhood.  Rings like something you should have a degree in or say with a British accent. But what do you do when you only have 15 seconds?  Well, sometimes you join crazy town and pray to God 6pm comes real quick.

 

We got pregnant with our first son, Noah, when we were four months into our marriage.  I always wanted to be a mom, but that quick? That was not necessarily part of the plan.  But here we go! It wasn’t an easy pregnancy or delivery and for a long time I believed that the fact that Noah and I got off to a rough start together made our relationship so distant from birth.  It took me years to realize what post-partum was and that it was as real as Donald Trump is our president.  Didn’t see either one of them coming! (It’s ok to laugh) He has been independent since birth, determined to march to the beat of his own drum, negotiating like a boss, and I couldn’t have felt farther from my own child that I rocked at night and lived under the same roof with.

 

Being a mom is... so many things... but it all stems from one place. Love. Even in the heartache and fear I loved him more than life itself. When I finally realized what was going on in my head and body, Noah was 2 years old. While a part of me suffered with so much guilt and shame the other part of me was so grateful to know I was a fighter.  It made me tougher.  I was fighting for my motherhood, my belief that I had to be better and therefore it would make HIM better.  

 

Noah and are cut from the same cloth. He might look just like his daddy but that boy is 100% ME.  We have been gifted this beautiful little soul. And when I’m ready to lose my ever-loving mind because I’ve told him to stop jump kicking from the table to the couch for the 4,587th time, I have to remember the voice inside of his head is the one he will hear the most. Mine. I am so far from perfect as a mother, but these little people are watching everything I do and say! 

 

The other day I asked Noah, genuinely, “Why don’t you listen to mommy”? And he said “Well if you spoke nicer to me, maybe I would listen”. Silence. “DAY-UM kid, you’re right” was my first thought. When you’re a parent sometimes you think, “Oh shit, this kid is just like me”, but most of the time you think I want this kid to be better than I could ever be and… he is.

 

Motherhood is not fancy. It’s messy, crazy, amusing, exciting, and beautiful.  And sometimes you have to get real. “Moments in Mommy-hood” is just that. Real life. Real talk. Real love. Mommy style.